Know Howe for English: Being British in Bavaria ain't easy - Reason One

One thing I miss most about Britain is its daily newspapers.

Just before you missile me with mails saying I can find every single respectable British newspaper on line these days, let me just say, I know. I spend hours poring over www.telegraph.co.uk. I’m also fully aware of several outlets in Munich where you can pick up most quality British dailies on day of publication – albeit at almost thrice the original price.

The point is that I miss spreading my British newspapers over the breakfast table first thing in the morning to the accompanying whiff of freshly-brewed coffee and eat-out-of-bag croissants. Reading the news headlines online or in hard copy later in the day at rip-off prices just ain’t the same.

But ah, I hear you say, what’s wrong with an ex-pat Brit sipping his first cappuccino of the day over a German daily? Truth be told I’ve never been a fan of this country’s press. The “serious“ dailies like the Süddeutsche tend to be far too in-depth, hyper-convoluted and painstakingly long-winded with not even a hint of humour to lighten things up. Reports invariably run for several pages before-the-end-of-the-sentence verb appears, by which time anyone with a life to lead has usually lost interest and gone off to walk the dog. Then there are the ridiculously überparochial local papers, with headlines like „Traktor bleibt im Graben stecken. Feuerwehr rückt aus“ (Tractor gets stuck in ditch. Firebrigade to the rescue) or, even better, and I swear this is true, I read it in our local Hallertauer Zeitung just the other day: „Gestohlene Brieftasche taucht ohne Inhalte wieder auf“ (Stolen wallet resurfaces minus contents).

What all these newspapers lack is a sense of humour. Something which the British press is so good at. Take, for instance, the mountain of daily human-interest stories, with clever wordplay headlines that make you grin before you’ve even licked the first croissant flake off your lips. Today’s Daily Mail has a gorgeous headline: “Nuts! Woodpecker loses out in pecking order after cheeky squirrel steals his home.” OK, so it’s a non-news article. But faced with a choice between non-news nicely packaged and local news with too-logic-for-words headlines, I’ll take the cheeky British option, please.